Film Reviews: Nymphomaniac: Vol. 1. Searching. The Nun. The Two Jakes. The Spy Who Dumped Me. The Happytime Murders. I, Daniel Blake. Christopher Robin. Mother. Slender Man. One Week and a Day. Moka

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Nymphomaniac: Vol. 1

I remember watching Antichrist at the cinema and absolutely loving it (minus the mutilation part) and everyone from my class thinking I was ‘so fucked up’ for even watching it. It’s despicable that I’ve been deliberately avoiding watching Nymphomaniac for five years. Volume one was amazing and not as explicit as I thought It would be, but I have a feeling I will not be so fond of Volume two. Some of my favorite scenes include Uma Thurman completely losing it and taking her children to see daddy’s mistress and the ‘whoring’ bed. Lars von Tier adds female masturbation to most of his film including child awakenings. Recently I watched Manderlay and there’s this beautiful passage when the narrator says that the main character did not understand masturbation is bad till she grew up and realized how ‘morally wrong it was’.

‘Perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I’ve always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. That’s perhaps my only sin.’

‘The secret ingredient to sex is love.’

‘Would it be alright if I show the children the whoring bed? After all, they also have a stake in this event.’

8/10

Searching

This film was a nice surprise! Debra Messing did such a wonderful job and the film kept me intrigued, the ending may have ruined it a little bit.

‘I didn’t know her. I didn’t know my daughter.’

7.5/10

The Nun

I still cannot believe James Wan cast Vera Farmiga’s little sister Taissa (known for her roles in American Horror Story) in the Conjuring world! I also loved the link between The Nun and the first Conjuring and that they used footage from both Conjuring films. I especially liked the scene where someone gets buried alive.

‘Next time do use the shotgun.’

7.5/10

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The Two Jakes

I don’t remember Chinatown being this exhausting. There was no action in the sequel, other than, not one, but two earthquakes. Thank God for Madeleine Stowe.

4/10

The Spy Who Dumped Me

Kate McKinnon was amazing in this!

6/10

The Happytime Murders

They replaced Sandra Bullock with a puppet and made The Heat 2 but with muppets fucking? Wtf

2.5/10

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I, Daniel Blake

Realest portrayal of life in the UK I’ve seen in years.

‘I am not a client, a customer, nor a service user. “I am not a shirker, a scrounger, a beggar, nor a thief. “I’m not a National Insurance Number or blip on a screen. “I paid my dues, never a penny short, and proud to do so. “I don’t tug the forelock, but look my neighbour in the eye and help him if I can. “I don’t accept or seek charity. “My name is Daniel Blake. I am a man, not a dog. “As such, I demand my rights. “I demand you treat me with respect. “I, Daniel Blake, am a citizen, “nothing more and nothing less.’

‘We should all be drinking a lot more bloody coffee.’

8/10

Christopher Robin

I live for nostalgic films, so It does not come as a surprise that I cried through the entire ninety minutes. They were handing out character postcards at my cinema and they are just as adorable as this film.

‘I’ve cracked.’
‘Oh, I don’t see any cracks. A few wrinkles, maybe.’

‘People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.’

‘Doing nothing often leads to the very best kind of something.’

‘I haven’t thought about them in years.’
‘Well, we think about you every day.’

8/10

Mother

This heart whelming comedy starring Debbie Reynolds is the 400th new film I watched this year.

6/10

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One Week and a Day

Brilliant film on coping with loss.

8/10

Moka

Simple but good.

6/10

Slender Man

What sort of teachers take their high school students on a trip to a cemetery in the middle of nowhere? I cannot believe I just spent 2 hours watching this garbage. Plus Annalise Basso, the little girl from Oculus was only in the first 3 scenes, what a waste.

1/10

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Film Reviews: The Village. On Chesil Beach. Anomalisa. Jurassic Park 3. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation. The Fog

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The Village

Roger Ebert gave The Village 1 star mostly based on the disappointing plot twist. And yes, the plot twist sort of ruins it, but it’s still a great film.

8/10

On Chesil Beach

Surprised to learn that Ian McEvan wrote the screenplay for the film adaptation of his own book and even more surprised that he decided to change the ending a little bit. On Chesil Beach is a beautiful and intriguing portrayal of asexuality and I recommend you all see it.

7/10

Anomalisa

I can’t believe I almost missed this gem, and because of work, of all things.

8/10

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Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

The scene where all the dinosaurs are running away from the lava and two characters fall into the water in that bowl thing and can’t get out is awesome in 3D. I am glad I chose to rewatch it in 3D and I wish I saw the previous part in 3D as well.

6/10

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Jurassic Park 3

How is this better than Julianne Moore on the cracking windshield in Jurassic Park 2?

4/10

Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation

The depressing thing about Hotel Transylvania 3 is kids nowadays not knowing what Macarena is. We all hated it and yet we all knew the dance and it was the ultimate party and summer song of the 90s. It was nice to see it resurface 25 years later in this film. After the screening, I nicked an A3 poster they were handing out to kids. This was the weakest of the trilogy, with the second one being the most entertaining. This was also the 6th time this week I heard a Beach Boys song used on the screen. 5th one was the new season of OITNB.

5/10

The Fog

I laughed when the priest said ‘You really should get off the island’ to Maggie Grace, who was on Lost and never made it off the island. She died back in season two. Anyway, this is a shitty remake of one of John Carpenter’s classics.

2/10

 

Film Reviews: Hereditary. Nosedive. What Dreams May Come. Skyscraper. This Property is Condemned. Foo Fighters Sonic Highways. Hereafter. Blackbeard. The Pit and the Pendulum. The First Purge. Lady in the Water. The Forest

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Hereditary

The trailer was creepy, and the film was intense, but not scary. I wasn’t sure what I was going into, but from the moment of the car incident I was mesmerised. Really odd to see Toni Collette in a horror film, but she did a fantastic job as always. Second favorite horror this year after A Quiet Place.

8/10

Nosedive

I don’t watch Black Mirror, the only other episode I’ve seen is the one Jodie Foster directed starring the girl from Puberty Blues, and maybe I should catch up. I haven’t posted anything regularly on social media since 2016, but this episode felt oddly realistic even to me. It’s becoming more and more common to be asked about your social media following at job interviews especially for jobs or internships in journalism, sales or anything that has to do with creativity, and that is scary. Two years ago I applied for a job as a critic/reviewer and was told they liked my work and qualifications but they were looking for someone with ‘great social media game’ and thousands of followers so they can promote their company. 21st century is great, but all this social media bullshit is distroying any normality that is left.

9/10

What Dreams May Come

This was exceptionally painful to watch now, after Robin’s suicide, as the entire film focuses on afterlife. If this wasn’t eerie or familiar enough, shortly after his death, his wife commits suicide and ends up in hell. Robin’s character decides to go find her. I liked this version of hell. There is this one beautiful scene where Robin needs to get from point a to b without stomping on heads of the burried condemmed souls.

5.5/10

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Skyscraper

The trailer for Ant-Man and the Wasp had more 3D effects than this entire film, but I am still happy I got to see this in 3D. I don’t know what is it about The Rock that makes many of his action/disaster/adventure films entertaining, but I had a lot of fun watching this. I hope Neve Campbell can finally reinstate her 90s career after resurfacing for this supporting role.

7/10

This Property is Condemmed

My dad was helping me move furniture yesterday and since he raised me on movies, once we were done, he asked what film I was going to watch. He was intrigued as he had never seen Wood and Redford in a movie together, so he asked to watch it with me. The film wasn’t groundbreaking, but we weren’t disappointed either.

7//10

Foo Fighters: Sonic Highways

I’ve always been a huge fan of Foo Fighters and Sonic Highways was the last album of theirs I really liked. Towards my film degree I took a 50s-80s Popular Music elective class and absolutely loved it because of all the music history I got to learn and hundreads of artist I got to listen to. This series was in big part the very opposite because of its lenght, as it went into too much detail and felt more like homework I didn’t need. I should have watched an episode a week instead of seeing it in a bulk, and maybe then I would have enjoyed it more.

6/10

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Hereafter

The only interesting plot was dropped halfway through the film, following a devastating reveal.

3.5/10

Blackbeard

More action than in the entire Pirates of the Caribbean franchise! And… it has Jessica Chastain in it!

7/10

The Pit and the Pendulum

I used to be obsessed with Edgar Allan Poe when I was a teenager and this adaptation is incredible.

4/10

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Lady in the Water

God, that was bad.

2/10

The First Purge

I love the Purge series, but this one is clearly the weakest.

4/10

The Forest

I just don’t understand why they had to remake the awesome tv horror Grave Halloween and turn it into this pile of shit.

2/10

 

Film Reviews: Hotel Artemis. Fantastic Mr. Fox. Incredibles 2. Teen Witch. Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again. How to Beat the High Cost of Living. The Mercy. Bao. Meet Joe Black. Beef. Without a Paddle

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Hotel Artemis

It’s been five years since Jodie Foster’s last role. I remember being highly disappointed with Elysium and after watching the trailer for Hotel Artemis, I didn’t expect much either. I was surprised to actually find myself engaged in this action-packed thriller and I feel satisfied enough after watching it too. I hope we get to see Jodie back on the big screen before 2023. I haven’t tagged any entries with Jodie’s name since Money Monster, so that was nice too.

8/10

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Needless to say, foxes have always been my favorite animals and Fantastic Mr. Fox is amazing!

8/10

Incredibles 2

The most incredible aspect of Incredibles 2 was hearing Craig T. Nelson and Holly Hunter reprise their voice roles from 14 years ago. I haven’t seen Incredibles since 2004, but I still remember how fun it was and the sequel was equally entertaining. I was bummed about missing all the 3D screenings at my local cinema, but now I feel like the 2D version was enough excitement for one day.

8/10

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Teen Witch

I’m really happy she wasn’t slaying any demons or vampires or whatever. The minute we learn the character’s goal is to get a guy, I immediately lose interest. Every single time. It’s hard to enjoy the ‘Tap That’ rap, after the first song about how ‘girls like boys’.

4/10

Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again

They listened to everyone’s complaints about Meryl Streep’s poor singing skills and replaced her with Lily James until the last two scenes. Here We Go Again is a one woman show with Lily James performing 80% of all the songs. A guy in front of me sang every single song and the cinema was packed. The girl who played Christine Baranski’s younger version was fantastic! The film wasn’t special, but I still had a great time!

7.5/10

How to Beat the High Cost of Living

Finally watched the film that inspired my favorite new show of the year – Good Girls.

‘All I ever remember mom telling me was how much she loved you and that she would never look at another man. Of course she never did mention another woman.’

7/10

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The Mercy

I didn’t know anything about Crowhurst prior to watching the film and sadly, the film’s intentions weren’t clear enough and this simple storyline was hard to follow at times. I saw this at senior screening and the minute the film ended and the first caption appeared, all 30 seniors gasped. This is how confusing the film was.

6/10

Marrowbone

I didn’t expect the last act to be that good, but my favorite part was when they played The Beach Boys.

7/10

Meet Joe Black

I can’t believe I wasted 3 hours watching this… and I have it on DVD too!

2.5/10

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Beef

This proves I will watch any shit for Christopher Meloni. Three of the films I watched today either had The Beach Boys song or reference in them, it must be summer.

4/10

Without a Padle

PG-13 version of Deliverance?

1.5/10

Bao

They played it before Incredibles 2 and there was this one particular moment when worried adults gasped, little kids burst in tears and all teenagers laughed.

7/10

 

 

 

 

Film Reviews: Empire Falls. The Core. Our Guys: Outrage at Glen Ridge. Home Sweet Hell

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Empire Falls

A very interesting, wonderfully done small town film. There is a school shooting, a mom driving off with the car door open while her daughter is still getting her backpack out. If you want to see the small town-feel we all love, watch this film!

8/10

The Core

Every good sci-fi film has one of the characters dying, and they either mention the importance of their family beforehand or beg the main character to tell the family they love them. The core did it best and it’s devastating.

‘I came here to save my wife and my two children and… seven billion lives… it’s too much. I just hope I’m, I’m smart enough and brave enough to save three.’

5/10

Our Guys: Outrage at Glen Ridge

If you follow highly publicised sex crimes, then you have heard of this story. It’s a heartbreaking story of a clique of jocks who decide to take advantage of a handycapped classmate. If I remember the story correctly, the girl was not just violated with the foreign objects, like the film suggests, but also raped by the guys. When I think of this film, I think of Nell, and the scene where a bunch of local men trick Nell into lifting her blouse and Liam Nesson’s character has to escort her out of the bar. If you watched Welcome to the Dollhouse, you will love this too.

6.5/10

Home Sweet Hell

My personal favorite is the scene where Katherine’s character puts eye drops in before going to bed. For someone who uses eye drops at least six times a day, it is nice to finally see someone using eye drops on film for reasons other than to hide that they’re high or in between flights. The tiny bits of obsessive compulsive disorder are nice to watch too. Overall, the film does not disappoint as long as you’re not expecting a masterpiece.

5/10

 

Film Reviews: The Babadook. The Pyramid. The Sacrament. As Above So Below. Nightcrawler

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The Babadook

The Aussie masterpiece that takes everyone’s breath away. A must see for everyone, not just horror fans.

10/10

The Pyramid

The film does to the pyramids what The Descent did to caves and Jaws to the sea. A father-daughter antropolology team goes into an old pyramid and gets trapped. The film involves sphynks. It was recommended by the late master of horror Wes Craven on twitter and is a must see for horror fans everywhere.

9/10

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The Sacrament

A film crew goes into deep Africa to visit one crew member’s sister and make a documentary about a commune society she lives in. A film from horror’s well known TI West about living in a cult and it’s tragic consequences. – loosely based on the case from late 70s.

9/10

As Above so Below

Another film that didn’t get good reviews but wasn’t as bad as people say. If you loved The Descent as much as you should, this is slightly similar. A group of French people go into the catacombs.

7/10

Nightcrawler

‘I can’t jeopardize my businesses success for an untrustworthy employee.’

9.5/10

Film Reviews: The Strangers 2: Prey at Night. Mom and Dad. Savannah Smiles. Ghoulies. The Trails of Cate McCall. The Night Before. My Girl. Father Figures. Aurora Teagarden Mysteries: Last Scene Alive. Fat Girl. Picnic at Hanging Rock. Sherlock Gnomes. Sisters. The Rachels. Breaking In

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The Strangers 2: Prey at Night

I’m really disappointed they didn’t use the ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’ song from the trailer, it really is perfect for this. The sequel was alright, but it wasn’t worth waiting 10 years for. Back in 2008 what hit me the most was the eeriness of the answer to the question: ‘Why are you doing this?’ ‘Because you were home’. The sequel did not have any moments like that nor did it know how to create tension. But if you’re into slashers, you’ll like it despite its flaws.

6.5/10

Mom and Dad

Refreshing! Modern horror needs more new ideas, as at this point it’s all heavily recycled. My local cinema showed the trailer for this for 2 months before every single film and then they chose not to show the film at all.

8/10

Savannah Smiles

It has the ‘Smokey and the Bandit’ vibe to it, so I’m all for it. This summer I’m planning to watch every Bridgette Andersen film I can find.

‘She fell out of the car.’
‘Should I call a doctor?’
‘No no no, she’s used to it.’

6/10

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Ghoulies

If you never really liked Gremlins, you will certainly not like this.

2.5/10

The Trails of Cate McCall

I love courtroom dramas, and this was surprisingly interesting!

7/10

The Night Before

I did laugh when the baby said ‘fuck you’, so I guess the film could have been worse.

4/10

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My Girl

They just don’t make family films like this anymore.

10/10

Father Figures

The only thing I actually enjoyed was one of the brothers’ obsession with SVU and Mariska Hargitay.

3/10

Aurora Teagarden Mysteries: Last Scene Alive

Bruce Dawson (John), one of the original members of the Real Murders Club is no longer doing these? Aurora Teagarden films suddenly got… dreadful.

1/10

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Fat Girl

I was warned about the ending… and yet I wasn’t ready.

9/10

Picnic at Hanging Rock

This miniseries is an intriguing interpretation that tries to explain what happened to the missing girls from the book/film by adding new storylines.

7.5/10

Sherlock Gnomes

Another example of where trailer is better than the film itself. They didn’t use the scene where Sherlock accidentaly breaks one of the gnomes while saying he’s there to protect them, and then Juliet says ‘Like the one you just broke’ and the broken gnome asks ‘Who’s broken?, checks his hat and says ‘Holy fertilizer’. There was this little four year old girl one row behind me who screamed ‘Oh no!’ twice and when one of the gnomes fell and we heard it break, she asked her mom what happened and the mother had to explain the concept of death to her. Eavesdropping on how she struggled not to hurt her feelings or scare her was more entertaining than the film. The only good thing is that animation got better than in the first one, face expressions were clearly more natural.

4/10

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Sisters

It wasn’t funny enough, but these two lines certainly were:

‘They can’t fucking roll in here like Jehovah’s Witesses!’

‘Take you dick out of the paint!’
‘Nooo, I’m gonna draw something!’

4/10

The Rachels

Lifetime keeps redoing the same story over and over and they will never make it right.

3/10

Breaking In

Panic Room wannabe.

6/10

 

Film Reviews: A Quiet Place. The Burbs. There’s Something About Mary. Everybody’s Going to Die. The Longest Ride. When We First Met. Dark Places. Rampage. Sense and Sensibility. Jessabelle. Jane Got a Gun. Christine. Remember Me. Abducted. The Choice

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A Quiet Place

Don’t Breathe taken to a whole new level!

10/10

The Burbs

Rear Window, but funny.

7.5/10

There’s Something About Mary

My family still talks about the dog resuscitation scene!

7.5/10

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Everyone’s Going to Die

If you’re 25 or older and you still have no idea what you want to do with your life, while your family is constantly on you for not knowing it yet, this film is for you!

6.5/10

The Longest Ride

It took me three years and three tries to finish it, while my family enjoyed it very much.

6/10

When We First Met

How did I not know Redbull has a blueberry flavour now?! They’ve mentioned ‘A League of their Own’ numerous times in this film, which is why I enjoyed it more than I ever should. The main character went back to the photobooth more than 5 times, and you could feel even the writers were tired of starting it all over. I like romcoms that try to be ‘original’ and do exactly what this one did in the end.

6/10

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Dark Places

The timeline was off, the daughter was half the age she was supposed to be. I still want to read the book, as I liked this more than Gone Girl.

7/10

Rampage

Woah, it’s 2018, so one beast is no longer enough, huh? There is another The Rock film coming out later this summer called ‘Skyscraper’ and it looks exactly the same! My local cinema chain gave out these A4 posters of Rampage and The Rock isn’t even on it! I would prefer the one that’s on here, but thanks Odeon. Anyway, the ‘Big meets bigger’ phrase they’ve put on all their posters, really suits here.

5.5/10

Sense and Sensibility

Emma Thompson version minus the lovely hairstyles and you know, budget. The little sister was the best part of this adaptation.

5.5/10

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Jessabelle

Tried to watch it back in 2014, but did make it past the first 15 minutes. Then one friend of mine, who always asks me for horror recommendations, tried to convince me to give it another try. Three years have passed and turns out, the friend was right, sort of.

5/10

Christine

They sure wrecked this car.

4/10

Jane Got a Gun

The only interesting plot turned out not to be true in the end.

4/10

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Remember Me

The minute he passed floor 88, I knew. After all, there were only 3 buildings that tall back then. If not for the unexpected ending, the film would have been awful. It may still be, I cannot decide whether this ending was respectful or not.

4/10

Abducted

What is it with these naive teenagers who think some rando will make them famous. The father wasted the first night after the abduction on getting drunk and made a bunch of idiotic decisions along the way.

3.5/10

The Choice

The parents were sure happy to marry her off.

2/10