There are so many things I should be doing now, but I’ve just watched the second episode of the final season of The Big C and I cannot stop crying. I am not ready to see her go. I knew she would die at the end of the show from the very beginning, but It’s just so painful and heartbreaking to watch her die. My relationship with death and living has never been normal, which is why, for the first time, I am surprised to find myself to feel so deeply for someone and not want them to die and go through that pain. I don’t know, maybe I’m finally starting to get better. But even though she’s a fictional character, I wish I could take that pain away from her. I am okay with suffering myself, but watching Cathy Jamison suffer is beyond painful. Many of the characters I loved died, in films and TV. First death that comes to my mind is George’s death on Grey’s, I am still not okay with it, but we did not see him suffer, what aches me there, is that he was this George, who always got left behind, no one wanted him, and girls treated him like their sister, and he was just a little boy thrown into an adult world. I don’t think any other TV death has ever really affected me besides George’s, and now Cathy’s. Here, I think it’s because I’ve always loved Cathy, I identified myself with her on so many occasions. I quoted ninety percent of what she was saying, because she said the stuff I was thinking, and the thoughts that I had. Two more episodes, I may not survive them.

Now, something because of my obsessive personality, I have always struggled to choose between The Big C and Dexter. Last year it was easier, because I couldn’t stand Paul and Adam and partially Sean’s behaviour, so the choice was easy, as it is always extremely easy for me to identify with Dexter, but now? A year ago, I’ve made a list of my all time favorite shows, The Big C made a 7th spot and Dexter made an 8th, but I am really starting to reconsider moving Friends a spot lower, to give The Big C the sixth place. Will think about that. Oh the crazy things that occupy my mentally challenged mind. Somehow this last paragraph made me feel better…

”I think my antidepressants just kicked in.’

Oh, Cathy, you and I, we’re the same.

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